Tuesday, November 24, 2009


On my birthday this girl who has been text messaging me for over a year and a half (one time she sent me a picture of herself in her underwear which I sent to all my friends but when I tried to get pictures of her yammers or vagina she wouldn't do it and clammed up, so to speak) and who I have met once in my life (a year and a half ago) (she has been sending me "sexy" text messages too, "sextmessages") calls me twice. Well, it's not really my birthday, it's the night before my birthday but at midnight, it's my birthday, you know? And it IS midnight and I AM throwing up outside Colins work, over on 16th. Anyways this girl I was talking about before calls me and leaves me a message, which is her singing "happy birthday" in that Marilyn Monroe-to-JFK-style, and I laugh and puke some more. Eventually I decide I am gonna take the bus home because I'm too loaded and besides there's no girls there anyways. So I ask Kaheem ( a black guy) if he knows when the next bus is because he has a next-generation cell phone, but he forgot to pay the bill (typical) and so I walk down to the bus stop but the next bus thing on the bus stop is broken, which isn't a problem really (people've been waiting for busses without knowing when they're coming for a long time I figure) but fuckin hell it's goddam raining and freezing and I'm by myself and I can't stop farting which is real depressing when it's your birthday and you're just standing there farting in the rain. So this girl text messages me saying she lives on 15th street and since I'm on 16th street and it's cold and raining and my birthday why the fuck not? She calls me three times after I confirm I'm gonna come over to her house. Three times in something like five minutes. I get there and christ she's got the body of a skinny lesbian, you know, like real muted tits and skinny but too skinny, you know? All over. Also a haircut outta my goddam nightmares. She's in her underwear so that's promising. She talks in a fucking fauxScottish accent for the next fifteen minutes, in which I sleep with her. I've really only known her for an hour (we hung out for forty five the first time) so this is pretty sick. I bang her for like four minutes and then realize I'm not wearing a condom (they call them "prangers" in Australia) and then something gross happens (I am not having a kid). I kept my pants on cuz I wanted to leave right after (THIS IS A GOOD MOVE AND USUALLY WORKS) but I sit for a sec, I ain't a JERK I'm just busy. So I make some smalltalk and I prepare to split, I tell her "I Gotta split, I wanna wake up in my own bed on my birthday" which is partially true but also I get grossed out as fuck when I look at the girls I bang after I bang them, unless they're cute. Anyways she starts like (she's still naked by the way) curling up into sort of a fetal position but a bit more relaxed, and she's crying and convulsing. So I, being sensitive and empathetic and all that, ask her what's wrong. I'm gonna put a paragraph break here because this is running on too long.

She asks me "Have you ever been raped before" which makes me freak out DID I JUST RAPE THIS GIRL? but I played it cool and said "DID I JUST RAPE YOU?" and she said no but she'd been raped before and usually didn't have sex. And then proceeded to give me some nut-talk for the next hour and it freaks me out because as I said before and as is obvious if you've ever met me I'm an extremely sensitive man. Anyways she starts losing it I say "OK OK I'LL STAY HERE!" and then she puts on that movie Happiness (this seriously happens in like the fuckin blink of an eye, this part) (she's still naked, I'm dressed with shoes and jacket on) while I recline on the bed. She puts it on that scene where the girl tells the fat guy who's also in Little Nicky that she wants to break up with him and I say "WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE INSANE" because she's I think trying to make some statement about me trying to leave after knowing her for an hour and cumming on her thigh but fuck that. Also Happiness was OK the first time I saw it but I hate people who try to be "dark" and "weird" by liking it. Also, I just realized this now, but a kid gets raped in that movie, why would you put it on if you're freaking about a surprise sex attack of your own? Also her room is just a bed surrounded by liquor bottles (kinda expensive brands, too, jack daniels and shit like that) and diet coke bottles filled with water. And pill bottles but nothing cool. Anyways then she starts crying some more while I'm gathering up stuff to leave (taking cigarettes from her purse) and she puts on this video of this little girl singing. She then gives me a speech, like from a movie, a real dramatic one, about how PEOPLE LIKE THIS INSPIRE ME. THEY GIVE IT THEIR ALL. etc etc etc and how creeps and scum like me are crap and blah blah blah. I left and it was like breaking out of prison, getting out of their, blood really rushing, lungs breathing in air mixed with freedom, tastes like gold. Only now it's 4 A.M. and it's raining and I'm far as shit from my house (I lived with a fat crackhead and two parents {not mine}). She starts text messaging me "I'M GLAD I HAVE ENOUGH PILLS TO DO IT" which I figured meant she was gonna off herself. Then she sent me crazy ones like "You've never been raped before" and "You're scum" for the next week and now I just avoid 15th street.

Anyways here's the video she played me

1 comment:

Alan said...

Well now this blog is going somewhere!